Sports Widow(er)s: Getting your way starts with finding your way

Once upon a time, classes were held for “football widows.” The idea was, let’s educate women on the game so they can watch with their alpha males and stop asking to explain everything. Because good luck if you try asking the guys while they are focused on the game.

It made some sense at the time, no matter how sexist and superficial it seems now. Check out this dialogue from Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds” in 1963, via imdb.com:

Cathy Brenner: He has a client now who shot his wife in the head six times. Six times! Can you imagine it? I mean, even twice would be overdoing it, don't you think?
Melanie Daniels: [to Mitch] Why did he shoot her?
Mitch Brenner: He was watching a ball game on television.
Melanie Daniels: What?
Mitch Brenner: His wife changed the channel
[laughs and leaves]

Today, we realize (or at least are realizing) sports fandom isn’t exclusively “a guy thing.” We also realize living peacefully and happily with a sports fan can be more complicated than learning the game. 

It’s recognizing what the fan wants and deciding what you want.

It’s seizing control of something besides the remote. It’s taking charge of your life.

That’s where I can help.

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I grew up sandwiched between two sisters who liked sports, so I never assumed fandom required a Y chromosome. My father also was somewhat of a sports fan, a redeeming quality for a man rather cold of heart and hot of temper.

He was not much for watching sports on TV, other than Bears games on some Sundays, and he didn’t like the idea of watching with me. I wanted to talk to him about the game and the players and our love of the Bears; he didn’t. Once, he did let me watch with him, but after a few minutes told me I couldn’t say one more word or he would kick me out. Not exactly a bonding exercise — although I started holding up signs, which felt like a small victory.

He did take me and my older sister to my first few baseball games, and I still remember the burst of color the first time I entered Wrigley Field. The green of the grass. The blue of the Cubs uniforms. Quite a contrast to the black-and-white images back home on the Zenith. Even if we inevitably sat behind a pillar, I always wanted to come back for more.

Not just baseball games. For years, I begged him to take me to a Bears game, and he would say tickets were impossible. When I scored two free ones in high school from a freshman English teacher, I was ecstatic. My father kept looking for excuses and couldn’t come up with any. Finally, he admitted, “I don’t feel like it.” I was devastated.

I gave up. A few years later, I bought Bears season tickets with someone else. Meanwhile, I had started attending Cubs games with friends, because the day-only games (back then) with a lot of empty and cheap bleacher seats (back then) were a walk-bus-train trip away. I watched other sporting events on TV with buddies or alone. I could let loose during those games, admittedly went a little overboard at times, but I learned how to curtail that in time.

I wasn’t going to change my father. I see that now. Not unless he wanted to change. 

And that’s the point.

It could be a parent, a significant other, anybody. While every situation, and person in it, is unique, it comes down to you in the end. What do you choose to do? 

My wife is not a huge sports fan. She generally would rather watch Ken Burns’ “Baseball” than a live game. We support and respect each other’s avocations even if they don’t align, and we talk about issues if they arise. We don’t always agree (imagine that), and it isn’t always smooth (imagine that), but we try to find solutions. If it means she doesn’t watch a particular sporting event with me, or sits with me but surfs the web, I don’t take it personally.

But we watched on TV together as the Cubs clinched the 2016 World Series, and then we toasted with champagne. That was a special moment I was thrilled to share with her. What more could I ask of a partner?

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A sports widow(er) might deal with a variety of issues — even, yes, understanding the game when the fan in your life won’t help. Maybe you try to share in the experience with the fan and just feel lost or bored.

Maybe you don’t understand why the fan gets so worked up over a team or a game. Maybe the fan gets out of control during games and lashes out at everyone and everything — including you. 

Maybe you go someplace else during games, but the fan’s dejection or anger lasts for hours or even days after a loss. 

Maybe the fan only gets this worked up around sports, or maybe not. Maybe you are worried, or maybe you just feel left out. 

Maybe you wish the fan showed the same passion for you as for sports. Maybe you wish you felt the same passion for an escape that the fan feels about sports.

Maybe you feel your needs and feelings are secondary because the fan spends so much time and money following sports. Maybe the fan won’t pay attention to you. Maybe you withdraw. Or both of you do.

Maybe the fan is sad or upset that sports have disappeared during the pandemic shutdown. Maybe you miss the alone time you had while the fan was watching sports. Maybe you can’t seem to say the right thing to get the fan back on track. Maybe you never feel like you say the right thing.

Maybe you can’t get the fan to change. Maybe you have asked. Maybe you are afraid to ask. Maybe you don’t know how.

Whatever it is, you don’t have to deal with it alone.

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As a sports journalist since about the Mesozoic Era, I have spent my life around sports fans, connecting with them, debating with them, laughing with them, educating them, being educated by them, and now helping them or those around them. I am a certified professional coach who not only understands the value of communication but who specializes in helping sports fans, sports widow(er)s and youth sports parents.

Imagine if you could partner with someone who listens to you. Who validates what you are feeling without judging you. Who supports you without telling you what to do. Who helps you understand the sports fan in your life and see the choices you have. Who empowers you to take care of your needs and take charge of your life, one step at a time, in ways that work for you.

Once you start making changes, you might be surprised at all that awaits you.